5.17.2015

Motherhood

"Without ever speaking a word, she taught of faith, of hope, of compassion, of courage, of patience, and especially of love." Blaine M. Yorgason

I have been wanting to write this post for a very long time now. I wasn't sure if the should share something that is so special and sacred to me. Every few months a feeling keeps coming to me to write it and share. I always put it off for various reasons. However, last week was Mothers Day and I felt an overwhelming compulsion to write it down and also share. 
It started in 2004, my friend recommended a book called "One Tattered Angel"  by Blaine M. Yorgason. It is about Charity Yorgason the authors adopted daughter who was born without a brain, but only a brain stem. If you haven't read it I highly recommend you do. I found myself crying while reading. (Side note, I do not cry very often, I have pretended to cry when my friends have, but I've never been a crier) this book had me in tears not only because of the heartbreaking subject, but also for the spirit that I felt while reading.  At the time I was living in Sacramento, Ca.  with my now ex husband. I have always had a very hard time sleeping since I can remember. I wasn't working at the time, so I often stayed up all night watching movies or reading then napping by the pool during the day. It was a pretty rough time in my life (wink wink). One night I was having a particularly hard time sleeping so instead of watching one of my 6 Netflix DVD's that I always had on hand, I decided to pray for sleep like I often did. I finished my prayer and got up and grabbed the previously mentioned, book and started reading.  After reading a while, I felt an overwhelming presence. It brought me to tears, and gave me the most joyous feeling I have ever felt. It is a feeling I always assumed I would have when I attended the temple. It was so sweet, and calming and I never ever wanted it to end. I don't know how long this stayed with me, but it was the best thing I've ever experienced in my scant 23 years on earth. I truly felt a heavenly spirit with me. Warning me, and comforting me and loving me beyond description. I tried to wake my husband, but he wouldn't budge.  I kept on reading and the feeling stayed with me until I fell asleep. That was the greatest sleep I have ever had and I never forgot the feeling of that night and often think about it.

2 years later I was living in Phoenix, AZ and pregnant with my first child, a son. I was beyond excited, even though it was not planned. My husband and I had been contemplating divorce. We had separated a few times, but ultimately decided not to give up. However, when I found out that I was pregnant I cried for 4hrs straight. I was so excited, but also terrified. I knew for a fact that my husband did not want a child yet. He was working a lot of hours for a top 4 accounting firm and was planning on attending grad school ASAP. We were on the fast track to education and then $$$$$, a kid would only derail all of this. When I told him I was pregnant that night, he didn't speak to me until the following evening. He finally said to me, well I guess it's not depression that you have and it explains why you have been sleeping 16 hrs a day. He struggled with the knowledge that our plans were going change, and kinda went into denial. I went into planning mode and all my energy went into preparing for a baby. I read tons of books and shopped online for everything I could possibly need, but wasn't allowed to actually purchase anything. We soon realized that our cool hipster downtown studio apartment was not going to be practical for a baby. Especially if my husband was going to sleep and work. We reluctantly moved into a bigger, cheaper and older apartment that was no longer in walking distance of the EY tower where my husband worked. We wouldn't be able to walk to Suns or Diamondbacks games and hang out at our favorite hot spots
 (which were only hot because of the 120 degree weather)
We moved one week before I was scheduled to be induced, and still had only 1 pair on jeans, and two polo shirts from Old Navy for the baby. To say I was stressed and unprepared, is a wild understatement. The night before I was going to the hospital, my parents showed up bearing gifts upon gifts. I had cried to them that I didn't have anything and they came through. Then the next day they took me to Babies R Us, and bought me a carseat, stroller, bassinet, clothes and much much more. It really eased some of my stress, and I was to thankful.
 Cut to that night in the delivery room, I was epiduraled and sedated, & was actually having a very easy delivery. At least that was what I was told, I was a first timer and had nothing to compare it to. I couldn't wait to meet my baby. I was so anxious too see what he would look like, and also to hold him. My Dr. grabbed my hands and put them on his shoulders and made me help deliver him, which I did NOT want to do, cause gross. However I'm so so glad he forced me, It was an amazing experience that I repeated 2 more times. Once that baby boy was placed on my chest, that exact same overwhelming spirit and feeling overtook me. I knew this spirit, I recognized the feeling. This is the spirit that visited me while reading "One Tattered Angel". I cried and cried and cried.  I felt like we already knew each other. I really really knew this boy, it was Kobe. Of course it was, I knew him. I remembered him from somewhere long ago.  I was so in awe of this, and in the fact that a few minute prior, I didn't remember him. But in this moment It all came back to me. The recognition and knowledge that this is my son, and I already knew him, was magical. I am having a hard time explaining into words how it felt. It was like being reunited with a loved one that I had forgotten about, but loved more than anything. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced, and I will never for get it.
18 months later I was going through the same thing, giving birth to my 2nd son. I was so excited to experience that feeling of recognition once again, but it didn't happen. It wasn't any less special, and I wasn't any less in love with my new baby, but I didn't immediately know him like with Kobe. Exactly one month later, on Halloween Kobe was diagnosed with Autism. After my brother in law gave me a blessing that night. I kept thinking of my experience 3 years prior while reading the book.
 One instance from the book that had stuck in my mind kept coming back to me. Basically it says How Charity would become distressed & sometimes ill whenever any evil, not matter how small, was permitted in their home. Something seemingly small and normal like rock music or her older brother sneaking a nudie mag into his room. Charity could feel the evil presence and it caused her such physical grief and turmoil that she came near death until, her brother removed the magazine and prayed for forgiveness. I kept thinking of how it applied to my situation. When I am doing what I should be doing and living how I should. Not only am I much happier with myself, but my own little angel does much better. His spirit has taught me so much and helps to guide me to stay on the straight and narrow. I am not implying that I have kept on that path, I have strayed  many many times. However, I know that he was meant to teach, humble, and guide his family and all that come in contact with him. I wish that he didn't have his affliction so that life would be much easier for him. But I know that in the pre existence he chose this path, and so did I. I know that my life until his birth, was  preparation to be his mother. I love all 3 of my children equally, they all bring a uniqueness to my little family that is essential for all of us. They were all meant to be mine and I love them more than a fat kid loves cake. My cousin Breylin sent this poem to me that he read on an investigators wall, while he was serving a mission in Chicago.

HEAVENS SPECIAL CHILD

A meeting was held quite far from earth,
“It’s time again for another birth.”
Said the angels to the Lord above,
“This special child will need much love.”

“Their progress may be very slow,
Accomplishments they may not show.
And they’ll require extra care
From the folks they meet down there.”

“They may not run or laugh or play,
Their thoughts may seem quite far away.
In many ways they won’t adapt,
And they’ll be known as ‘Handicapped’.”

“So let’s be careful where they’re sent.
We want their lives to be content.
Please, Lord, find the parents who
Will do a special job for you.”

“They will not realize right away
The leading role they are asked to play.
But with this child sent from above
Comes stronger faith and richer love.”

“And soon they’ll know the privilege given
In caring for their special gift from Heaven.
Their precious charge, so meek and mild,
Is heaven’s very special child.”

Author Unknown

 Thanks for reading this long post about me becoming a mom, & my spiritual experience that accompanied it. I hope that it was as good for you as it was for me. Live long and prosperous, and if
I don't see you for a while, ya know, keep truckin!

Kobe 9 (and iLivia)  

Maddox 7

Jaxyn 6




,

8.08.2014

The Happiest Place On Earth, Like For Reals Tho


Last weekend we went to So.Cal for my cousin Jocelyn's wedding. It was a beautiful event, with an even beautifuller bride.{I know beautifuller isn't a real word} While we were in the neighborhood the whole fam damily decided to go to Disneyland. My Dad. and Uncle Brad LOVE Disneyland. I said they should hold balloons and hands and skip through the park. I don't think either of them liked the idea, but whateves. It really would've been funny to see two 50 year old men skipping through the park. However, 
nobody had a better time in Disneyland than Mr. Kobe Jay. He loves that place, all kids do. 
I absolutely love taking my kids there for a few reasons

Disneyland treats special needs kids like royalty:


They really do. They are so over accommodating to them. All the cast members talk to him, and ask him questions, and best of all they help! They actually help, they help to calm him down & make his experience much better. Which in turn makes my experience much better. Thank you Disney cast members for turning off the engines to Lightening McQueen and Mater without me even asking. Thank you for offering special devices so Kobe could drive the bumper cars on his own. Thank you for helping us off the rides and giving Kobe high fives and fist bumps and asking him if he loved the ride, even though you know he cant talk.Thank you for going out of you way to make it a magical place for EVERY child!
  • Disability Pass:
This isn't an I'm pretending I'm hurt so I'm limping, or sitting in a wheelchair cause I'm to lazy, or fat to walk around the park pass. It's a legit pass for special needs kids. It helps alleviate meltdowns and wait times. It's changed from years past, but it's still better than nothing. It's almost like a fastpass, but we get to choose the scheduled times. The wait time for the "Radiator Springs Racers" was 2hrs, YIKES! We were in line for 10 minutes. I did schedule it an hour in advance so we did wait, just not in the line. People were staring at us like  "you dirty sons of bitches"  My mom said she felt bad cause we didn't have to wait like the other people did. I told her to shut her pie hole, & not to feel bad. Their kids are all typical and will be for the rest of their lives. This is just one teeny tiny perk that is given to us for Kobe having Autism. I would much rather have Kobe be typical and have to wait in long lines like a sucker!
  • Maddox, and Jaxyn:
Kids model their older siblings, so for these two it has been a struggle to teach them that they cannot act like their older brother. They are finally getting to an age where they are outgrowing this, but it's still there. It's hard for some people to understand that it extremely common for the younger siblings to mimic the autistic traits. I sometimes don't give them attention that I give Kobe, and I have a constant guilt about that. So I buy their forgiveness with tickets to Disneyland ;) At Disneyland they are happy and joyous not only for themselves, but they too love seeing the joy brought to Kobe. They know that he watches hours and hours of you tube videos of all the rides, and they know which characters he likes. They join him in dancing like clowns in Cars Land while singing "Life could be a Dream(shaboom)" The best part is, there is almost no fighting or whining in Disneyland (until we leave)
























4.27.2013

Just The Two Of Us


Thursdays are Maddox and I's special mama and boose days. Jax and Kobe are both is school so it's just us two. unfortunately we only have a few of these days left before summer break. 
We decided to go on a hike after the gym, but Maddox just wanted to throw sticks in the water. I couldn't get him off of the bridge. I hate bridges and get super freaked out. I just know it's going to collapse on me, or there will be an earthquake while I'm on one. 
 I love Cedar City in the spring and summer, It's so purdy!

3.23.2013

Do You Hear The People Sing



My baby girl Jaxyn(4) Loves loves loves Les Misserables. I find it very odd for a 4year old to enjoy a movie like that. I bought it on Friday when it came out out on DVD and she has already watched it 3 times. She is such a strange child. Not a great singer, but I love to hear it. This is her favorite song from the movie. She also sings Castle On a Cloud, Look Down, & One Day More. Ya know cause that is what most preschoolers listen to right? P.S. She told me her new name is Cosette 


Do You Hear The People Sing from Talia Lambeth on Vimeo.

3.11.2013

I Tried To Make It To Church

  
I tried I really did. All the odds were stacked against us. Daylight savings time, 9a.m. meeting time, 3 uncooperative kids, 1 night owl mom. We slept in too much to make it on time for sacrament meeting{considering it had already started by the time I rolled out of bed} I thought I could make it for primary with ease. NOPE. Not the case here. Maddox was supposed to give the scripture in primary for his first time. I was excited and so was he. We practiced it and I tried to get him to memorize, but he needed my help so we saved it on the ipad and he thought that was cool. Then when we were getting dressed for church, he decided he didn't want to go and did not want to talk in the microphone!!! He was throwing a hulk sized tantrum. I was fighting with him and trying to make him get dressed while he was getting undressed just as quickly. It was not inviting to the spirit that's for sure
 My dad had gone to church early cause he's the branch president for his branch and had accidentally taken my moms car keys with him, so she was just gonna go with me. She got Jaxyn dressed and fixed her hair to help me out. which NEVER happens on a Sunday. Kobe got dressed with little fuss from him
{which is rare} He even let me put a tie on him which is even more rare. I got dressed, and after looking for the shoes that were taken off in different rooms and putting them back on the kids I loaded everyone into the car, & I glanced at the clock. It said 9:25, but it was really 10:25. How did this happen? I had help from my mom? I didn't wash my hair? Kobe didn't throw a fit?
I shook my head and said forget it.  I stopped the car abruptly and then said we are going home. I was having a terrible horrible no good very bad day. We'll try again next week

Here is proof that we really tried to go to church




 This is called a princess pose {like you didn't already know}




3.08.2013

Brothers Don't Shake Hands, Brothers Gotta Hug

I haven't blogged or F.B.'d yet about my Baby Bro.{Jaorn Chett} leaving for his 2nd tour in Afghanistan on Sunday. I have been in loser denial about it. It isn't as long {It's only 9 months} as last time, but I still worry about him and all his fellow soldiers. Even though growing up we were like cats and dogs living together, I still love him very much, & worry.  He was recently married in July and his wife is now alone in Georgia. I wish she could move here and not have to be alone. I know both of my parents are worried about him even more than I am, & miss him more than I do. He & Ronnie weren't able to come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. We haven't seen them {in person} since July. My kids love their "Cool Chett" and "Aunt Wonnie" And are praying for his safe return.





In other baby brother news I'm going to be an aunt. A legit aunt this time, not an aunt through marriage {I do love my niece and nephews on the ex-in law side, and will always consider them my family} But this spawn will be blood related. I am so excited for this baby, even though I am not excited for Sally's next 9 months. Not because I know how hellish it will be for her. It's purely selfish, its because I know I will have to deal with a pregnant Sal. She is my best friend, & worst enemy. We love each other very much and spend a LOT of time together. We also fight like real sisters too. We always make up though. We have discussed this many many times. We both know that no matter what is said in anger we love each other, and not to take anything to heart. I am so excited for them to have a baby. Sally wants a girl, Gavin wants a boy. Everybody thinks it will be a boy. Maddox has decided it IS a boy, and that his name will be "Smash", his favorite color will be yellow, and he will be HIS best friend. Congratulations you guys, boy or girl,l it will be a beautiful wonderful perfect child. {with the bestest Aunt Tal in the world}
Baby Smash's first pic







3.06.2013

Mama & Boose Day


Maddox had an appointment to see the surgeon at Primary Children's Medical Center on Monday for a follow up to the casting we did over the summer. Mostly because he started walking on his toes again, like all the time on his toes. It started off as just sporadically, but gradually it became constant. He didn't want to go trick or treating for very long because his feet hurt, & he won't walk or run long distances. When I say long distances I don't mean marathon stuff, I mean like any further than to the car from a store. He always wants to sit in the stroller or shopping cart. At least after he's been walking for a while. Jaxyn and Kobe don't complain of fatigue so I know I'm not making him walk to much for a child his age. He is also super duper slow too, it's so annoying!!!!
The Doc told me he needs surgery for sure. It is physically impossible for him to walk flat footed. It hurts him even more than being on his toes. He said the wiring in his brain is sending his body wrong signals, & as a result his muscles and tendons are super tight & will not bend at all. It is strange seeing a grown man trying to bend a 5yr olds foot the way it is meant to bend and not be able to do it. (I am not just a weakling wuss after all)  He told me since it is not life threatening or anything like that I can choose when we do it in order to fit my & Boose's schedule. He advised me to wait though. He said the new tendons won't grow with him and with kids rapid growth he will most likely have to have it done again. He said his recommendation would be to wait until his age is in the double digits.
I left the hospital happy that he won't have to have surgery right away, but sad that he will have to walk like a goon for the next 5 years at least.
His toe walking might be a symptom of the aspergers/OCD that I have had many a doctor and professional tell me they think he has a lot of the criteria that meets it. The neurologist at PCMC said she would wait to get a diagnosis when he is in kindergarten. Well, he has kindergarten assessment in two weeks, and based on what they say I may or may not have to seek an official diagnosis. 
We did have a fun time together in Salt Lake. Maddox was so excited to have a mama and Boose day. We planned it before we left. He had to ask me everyday for 2 weeks what day it was, & what day we were going. He wanted to ride the train downtown and go swimming Sunday night. Then he wanted to go to the Zoo on Monday after the appt. Well the appt. was changed from 9am to 2pm, so we didn't have as much time in the morning, also it was super cold outside. We ended up at the Discovery Children's Museum. He LOVED it. He had so much fun. He loved the 1 on 1 time with me as well. Then we went to his Dr. appt. and went on a quick shopping trip, & came home. We were supposed to be the "people" on Sunday for Kenz and Kody, but baby Mav was discharged that morning, which was good. No GREAT!!!
 He told me this was the "Pilot Pose". It looks like he thinks helicopter pilot's are Fab-U-lous
 Breaking News with Maddox Smith
 He yelled at a little girl trying to fill gas after he did, cause "the tank is already full, it's gonna spill everywhere"