5.17.2015

Motherhood

"Without ever speaking a word, she taught of faith, of hope, of compassion, of courage, of patience, and especially of love." Blaine M. Yorgason

I have been wanting to write this post for a very long time now. I wasn't sure if the should share something that is so special and sacred to me. Every few months a feeling keeps coming to me to write it and share. I always put it off for various reasons. However, last week was Mothers Day and I felt an overwhelming compulsion to write it down and also share. 
It started in 2004, my friend recommended a book called "One Tattered Angel"  by Blaine M. Yorgason. It is about Charity Yorgason the authors adopted daughter who was born without a brain, but only a brain stem. If you haven't read it I highly recommend you do. I found myself crying while reading. (Side note, I do not cry very often, I have pretended to cry when my friends have, but I've never been a crier) this book had me in tears not only because of the heartbreaking subject, but also for the spirit that I felt while reading.  At the time I was living in Sacramento, Ca.  with my now ex husband. I have always had a very hard time sleeping since I can remember. I wasn't working at the time, so I often stayed up all night watching movies or reading then napping by the pool during the day. It was a pretty rough time in my life (wink wink). One night I was having a particularly hard time sleeping so instead of watching one of my 6 Netflix DVD's that I always had on hand, I decided to pray for sleep like I often did. I finished my prayer and got up and grabbed the previously mentioned, book and started reading.  After reading a while, I felt an overwhelming presence. It brought me to tears, and gave me the most joyous feeling I have ever felt. It is a feeling I always assumed I would have when I attended the temple. It was so sweet, and calming and I never ever wanted it to end. I don't know how long this stayed with me, but it was the best thing I've ever experienced in my scant 23 years on earth. I truly felt a heavenly spirit with me. Warning me, and comforting me and loving me beyond description. I tried to wake my husband, but he wouldn't budge.  I kept on reading and the feeling stayed with me until I fell asleep. That was the greatest sleep I have ever had and I never forgot the feeling of that night and often think about it.

2 years later I was living in Phoenix, AZ and pregnant with my first child, a son. I was beyond excited, even though it was not planned. My husband and I had been contemplating divorce. We had separated a few times, but ultimately decided not to give up. However, when I found out that I was pregnant I cried for 4hrs straight. I was so excited, but also terrified. I knew for a fact that my husband did not want a child yet. He was working a lot of hours for a top 4 accounting firm and was planning on attending grad school ASAP. We were on the fast track to education and then $$$$$, a kid would only derail all of this. When I told him I was pregnant that night, he didn't speak to me until the following evening. He finally said to me, well I guess it's not depression that you have and it explains why you have been sleeping 16 hrs a day. He struggled with the knowledge that our plans were going change, and kinda went into denial. I went into planning mode and all my energy went into preparing for a baby. I read tons of books and shopped online for everything I could possibly need, but wasn't allowed to actually purchase anything. We soon realized that our cool hipster downtown studio apartment was not going to be practical for a baby. Especially if my husband was going to sleep and work. We reluctantly moved into a bigger, cheaper and older apartment that was no longer in walking distance of the EY tower where my husband worked. We wouldn't be able to walk to Suns or Diamondbacks games and hang out at our favorite hot spots
 (which were only hot because of the 120 degree weather)
We moved one week before I was scheduled to be induced, and still had only 1 pair on jeans, and two polo shirts from Old Navy for the baby. To say I was stressed and unprepared, is a wild understatement. The night before I was going to the hospital, my parents showed up bearing gifts upon gifts. I had cried to them that I didn't have anything and they came through. Then the next day they took me to Babies R Us, and bought me a carseat, stroller, bassinet, clothes and much much more. It really eased some of my stress, and I was to thankful.
 Cut to that night in the delivery room, I was epiduraled and sedated, & was actually having a very easy delivery. At least that was what I was told, I was a first timer and had nothing to compare it to. I couldn't wait to meet my baby. I was so anxious too see what he would look like, and also to hold him. My Dr. grabbed my hands and put them on his shoulders and made me help deliver him, which I did NOT want to do, cause gross. However I'm so so glad he forced me, It was an amazing experience that I repeated 2 more times. Once that baby boy was placed on my chest, that exact same overwhelming spirit and feeling overtook me. I knew this spirit, I recognized the feeling. This is the spirit that visited me while reading "One Tattered Angel". I cried and cried and cried.  I felt like we already knew each other. I really really knew this boy, it was Kobe. Of course it was, I knew him. I remembered him from somewhere long ago.  I was so in awe of this, and in the fact that a few minute prior, I didn't remember him. But in this moment It all came back to me. The recognition and knowledge that this is my son, and I already knew him, was magical. I am having a hard time explaining into words how it felt. It was like being reunited with a loved one that I had forgotten about, but loved more than anything. It was the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced, and I will never for get it.
18 months later I was going through the same thing, giving birth to my 2nd son. I was so excited to experience that feeling of recognition once again, but it didn't happen. It wasn't any less special, and I wasn't any less in love with my new baby, but I didn't immediately know him like with Kobe. Exactly one month later, on Halloween Kobe was diagnosed with Autism. After my brother in law gave me a blessing that night. I kept thinking of my experience 3 years prior while reading the book.
 One instance from the book that had stuck in my mind kept coming back to me. Basically it says How Charity would become distressed & sometimes ill whenever any evil, not matter how small, was permitted in their home. Something seemingly small and normal like rock music or her older brother sneaking a nudie mag into his room. Charity could feel the evil presence and it caused her such physical grief and turmoil that she came near death until, her brother removed the magazine and prayed for forgiveness. I kept thinking of how it applied to my situation. When I am doing what I should be doing and living how I should. Not only am I much happier with myself, but my own little angel does much better. His spirit has taught me so much and helps to guide me to stay on the straight and narrow. I am not implying that I have kept on that path, I have strayed  many many times. However, I know that he was meant to teach, humble, and guide his family and all that come in contact with him. I wish that he didn't have his affliction so that life would be much easier for him. But I know that in the pre existence he chose this path, and so did I. I know that my life until his birth, was  preparation to be his mother. I love all 3 of my children equally, they all bring a uniqueness to my little family that is essential for all of us. They were all meant to be mine and I love them more than a fat kid loves cake. My cousin Breylin sent this poem to me that he read on an investigators wall, while he was serving a mission in Chicago.

HEAVENS SPECIAL CHILD

A meeting was held quite far from earth,
“It’s time again for another birth.”
Said the angels to the Lord above,
“This special child will need much love.”

“Their progress may be very slow,
Accomplishments they may not show.
And they’ll require extra care
From the folks they meet down there.”

“They may not run or laugh or play,
Their thoughts may seem quite far away.
In many ways they won’t adapt,
And they’ll be known as ‘Handicapped’.”

“So let’s be careful where they’re sent.
We want their lives to be content.
Please, Lord, find the parents who
Will do a special job for you.”

“They will not realize right away
The leading role they are asked to play.
But with this child sent from above
Comes stronger faith and richer love.”

“And soon they’ll know the privilege given
In caring for their special gift from Heaven.
Their precious charge, so meek and mild,
Is heaven’s very special child.”

Author Unknown

 Thanks for reading this long post about me becoming a mom, & my spiritual experience that accompanied it. I hope that it was as good for you as it was for me. Live long and prosperous, and if
I don't see you for a while, ya know, keep truckin!

Kobe 9 (and iLivia)  

Maddox 7

Jaxyn 6




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1 comment:

  1. That is such a sweet story! Thanks for sharing it 😊 you're an awesome lady!!!

    ReplyDelete